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Communication Skills/Rules to Fighting Fairly
 
Rule #1, Always stay in the present.  We have a habit of getting into the fight and then bringing up things of the past to support what we are fighting about.  Always stay in the present, and work through what the present issue is.
 
Rule #2, Eliminate any swearing and put-down words.  These words only add fuel to the fight.  A lot of times we are so angry, that we want to hurt our partners like they are hurting us, so we are going to get the edge or control by using demeaning words.  We believe that we only will be heard if we use such words.  The opposite is true, we have created even more of a wedge.
 
Rule #3, What you really feel and what you really think come out in a fight.       
What is really in your heart?  How  you feel about certain individuals  or certain things will come out.  Your belief system will be present in these fights.   Use this information as an awareness, to discover your true feelings.
 
Rule #4, Do not assume or presume anything.  We expect our spouses to fill in the missing
information.  They should know what we are feeling or trying to communicate.  They do not know what you are thinking.  They may observe your body language, and may interpret what you think.  In actuality, they don’t really know, only you can tell them your expectations and feelings.
 
Rule #5 Give each other permission to feel their feelings and articulate their perceptions of what they are seeing and feeling inside.  It may not fit the situation, or relate to the situation.  One individual may think that it is insignificant, however it is important for the other to express what they are thinking or feeling whether they are right or wrong.  When it comes out then the two of you together can work towards a truer picture of what is happening.
 
Rule #6, Don’t personalize everything your spouse or partner is saying and feeling.  Try not to feel responsible for everything that they are say or feel.  The truth of the matter is that sometimes what they are venting about may not have anything to do with you at all.  Our perceptions and feelings belong to us, and we need a safe environment to be able to express them.  Some of these feelings and perceptions come from past experiences, some come from the present, and some are unfounded. 
 
Rule #7, Learn to take responsibility for your actions.  Don’t take responsibility for what is not yours.  Take responsibility for what you believe to be your contribution to the problem. This will help the other spouse/partner, to take responsibility for his or her part in the fight.
 
Rule #8 Don’t minimize what your spouse is saying or communicating.   Make a commitment to not  minimize what your spouse/partner is saying.  Try to not change what they are saying, and or try to tell them what they are thinking and feeling.  Only the individual themselves knows their true perception and feelings.
 
Rule #9 No physical abuse or destruction of things of any kind.  We should be able to communicate and express our emotions without having to beat each other up or start breaking things around the house.  If you believe that your anger has gotten a hold of you where you are no longer in control, leave the situation.  When you are very angry or in overreaction mode, there are no solutions to the problem.   Learn to know  when you are slipping into irrationality, leave the room or house.  Let your anger cool, so that you can  appropriately assess the situation.  In the heat of anger, there are no correct assessments.
 
Rule #10 Take a Break from the fight.  If after an hour, you are both no closer to the solution, take a break and come back to the issue at another time.  But specifically state a time where you both will come back to the problem, to work out the differences.   Who says that a difficult problem has to have a solution all at once?  The situation/s may take several discussions or months before you can both arrive at an agreed solution that will work for the both of you.  Difficult things take time to work out and is ongoing.  But developing a healthy way to resolve conflict will go a long ways in developing the solution.
 
Rule #11 Make sure that you do go back to the issue.   Don’t avoid or pretend that it isn’t an issue or that it will go away, because the next time you fight, the issue will surface.   Most unresolved issues are carried into the next fight making it worse.  Make a commitment to continue to working on the known difficult issues so that it doesn’t interfere with other present circumstances.
 
Rule #12 Be honest with each other.   This is the door to heart to heart or intimate communications with your spouse.  Be honest in an appropriate way about what you are thinking and feeling.  Remember feelings change.  One day you may feel very intense about things, another day you may feel nothing at all.

Be up front about everything that you do, where you go and whom you see.  This ensures that your relationship stays safe.  Allow no room for doubt.